Paris is so often romanticized that when news emerged of a heat wave spreading across Europe, we knew our summer trip would not match the hype. We arrived Monday to the long CDG immigration lines that I had encountered on my recent visit, but managed to shorten our wait by switching lines halfway. Unable to find the rideshare pick-up, we took a stuffy commuter rail into the city, where we were relieved to find our non-AC AirBnb cooler than expected. For dinner, we queued up for steak frites at Relais L’entrecote, but even the more tender rare cook on my steak didn’t explain the chain’s popularity. On Tuesday, we snacked on award-winning croissants from Gosselin and lined up for Musee d’Orsay. There, the impressive impressionist collection was juxtaposed with themes of art and love from Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 as part of a special exhibit on the game. Feeling the heat, we splurged on an Uber to Kubri for lunch despite having Navigo weekly passes, where the Lebanese small plates of burrata, octopus, and hispi cabbage hit just the spot. Exhausted from the interactive exhibits at Cite des Sciences et de l’Industrie, we mostly lounged at the air-conditioned library as I sipped cafe viennoit and played Squadro with Westley, snapped pics of La Geode, then headed to Boom Boom Villette for food court banh mi and ramen before an immersive Assassin’s Creed orchestra concert at the Philharmonie de Paris that recalled our adventures as Altair, Ezio, Cassandra, and Eivor. On Wednesday, we armed ourselves with cooling towels, neck fans, and iced water to brave the 107-degree heat at Chateau de Versailles, racing through its vast gardens and state apartments, but skipping the late-opening Trianon estates and buggy Rabbids app. While Westley rested at the apartment, Melody and I shared foie gras and beef bourguignon for lunch at Les Antiquaires, followed by a much-needed family siesta and clumsy hibachi acrobatics at Chez Hanafousa. With tickets cancelled due to extreme heat warnings on Thursday, we scrambled to reconfigure our itinerary. After wandering the Louvre courtyard and learning they would not take stand-bys, we pivoted to the rapidly-warming Notre Dame and chilly Pantheon, stopping briefly for ice-cream from Berthillon and more award-winning croissants from La Maison d’Isabelle before lunch at Cafe des Ministeres, where the local dachshund and patrons shared our enjoyment of their chou farci and vol au vent. We passed out for the evening, gladly staying in to watch the Sheep Detectives in our underwear with leftovers. Melody awoke Friday with a full-body rash and stomach cramps, but bravely pushed through Musee l’Orangerie for Monet’s Water Lillies. Westley was unimpressed by Le Souffle’s namesake dish, but the mild AC there and at the Grande Galerie de L’evolution provided respite as we snoozed in leather chairs surrounded by taxidermy displays until closing time. Melody could barely enjoy the Japanese-influenced French cuisine at Michelin-recommended Les Enfants Rouges, and slept in on Saturday while Westley and I took advantage of the cooler morning to stroll along the Seine, snap selfies at the Eiffel Tower and Arc de Triomphe, and sample croissants, eclairs, and sandwiches before reuniting for dinner at Au Bon Accueil. By Sunday, Melody’s urticaria had worsened to angioedema, dysphagia and dyspnea that necessitated a frantic 5am telehealth visit with a doctor from New Zealand and mad dash to a 24/7 pharmacy for prednisone and loratadine where I scarfed down a Nutella crepe. Despite being bedridden, Melody managed to modify our Disneyland Paris itinerary for me and Westley. Armed with Premier Access, we breezed through the attractions, despite some dark rollercoasters that left me dizzy and nauseated. In the cooler evening, Melody rejoined us for escargot, onion soup, and a decadent profiterole at Le Petit Cler before we climbed to the second floor of the Eiffel Tower to gaze across the Parisian skyline. We picked up macarons from Ladurée and Pierre Herme at the airport, thankful to have survived a beautifully disastrous week.